You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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