Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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