I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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