watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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