K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
