got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
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I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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