i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
