Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
