I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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