i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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