We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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