I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
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Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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