I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
