this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
