Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
