I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
