the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
