Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It was confusing and full of hummus
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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