Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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