You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
