i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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