pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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