this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
