Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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