Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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