Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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