I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
