I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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