I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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