I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
