Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
