Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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