just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
