we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
