No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You are the jesus of drinking
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
