I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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