I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
