We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
