so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
