If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
