that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
