I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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