Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
