i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
