I just pynch a tree in the face
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
