i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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