She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
