How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
