So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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