I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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