Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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