It's Friday. Sex?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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