i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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