turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
