She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
